There are many lessons to learn from Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson; being bald is cool, it’s a great life skill to be able to cook even if you’re a wrestler and sometimes the only item of clothing you need is underpants, more than that though, if you want to be successful, you have to be consistent.

With the dawn of a New Year many people across the world proclaim ‘New year, new me’, but despite several of the Barmy Army abstaining from alcohol in the month of January and many members of the team altering their size of jeans after too much turkey, the Barmy Army began 2023 as they finished 2022, with an unrelenting pursuit of promotion. There was a glittering team sheet littered with players with first team experience and young bucks back from university for the festive period. Having listed 27 players available for this week’s fixture against Selby 3’s, a bout of the winter flu struck us down to a mere 22 by the time kick off came around. The most concerning absentee was a certain Robert Adair, first team veteran who is capable of getting injured getting out of bed, with over 100 appearances for Wetherby ones was nowhere to be seen as the boys took the field for the warm up. A number of concerned messages from senior players went unanswered before kick off, the story continues… Despite a team wide worry for Robert, the Barmy Army looked sharp in the warm up and struck an inspiring image in the changing room with the words ringing loud in their ears as they took to the field, ‘hit them so hard they taste blood!’

The first game between our beloved and gone to soon former team-mate, Tom Edward’s two old teams was marked with a minutes silence followed by a rapturous applause by the spectators at Grange Park, a fitting mark of respect for a great man.

The game kicked off and a battle for supremacy was soon mounted by both sides, Selby, a large and experienced side looked to keep the ball, firmly in the knowledge that if they coughed up cheap possession, the Wetherby backline would tear away to the try line. insert three tries

Fans favourite and go-karting fan Ollie Hills earned a new nickname, being heralded as ‘Ollie Spills’ by the onlooking support, his father even exclaiming ‘get your hands off your balls Ollie and on to THE ball’. With the opposition still asking themselves the question ‘can a man drop his own balls?’ Francesco Stuven Ortelli, a man whose chest commands it’s own orbit, slipped through Selby line off a wonderfully worked scurm play from fly-half Cal Lawrence. Ortelli ran the ball in from 50 meters, skinning the fullback who was searching for his bus pass, Fran spent the rest of the half trying to catch his breath. Half time, Wetherby 26-0 Selby.

In the second half the Barmy Army’s fearless leader, Marcus Little, who ironically only fears too many subs, rang the changes. On to the field came a man rich in talent, but poor in money for a barbers, Harry Williams and what a joy it was to watch him, he got the scoring under way early in the second. It didn’t all go Wetherby’s way though, Paul Scholes look a like and part time squirrel, Adam Shaw missed his third conversion from in front of the sticks, blame a DIY construction kicking tee made from two marker cones.

Williams lit up the field again hitting the line at pace and fixing the whole selby back line allowing him to float a beautiful 25 yard pass to Will Jefferson who finished from 30 yards. Anchor of the scrum and so much more, Sean Lally rolled back the years to demonstrate his expertise as a football coach to slot the conversion.

There was little Selby could do to slow Wetherby’s momentum at this point, with centre Sam Arundel putting on huge shots in midfield and young Alfie Jefferson jackaling turn overs before Selby knew the breakdown had begun. It was a thing of beauty to see young Wetherby heartthrobs supporting each others breaks up the middle of the field, with a marauding run up the middle of the park, going through 5 pairs of hands being scored by someone, but my notes don’t tell me who. Must do better.

Harry Williams had at this point decided that he wanted to be man of the match, despite missing lots of conversions, he made another break through the middle of the field before unselfishly popping the ball back inside to Alfie Jefferson to extend the lead to 53-0. Selby did manage to put some consistent possession together, playing to their strengths with pick and goes to burrow over in the last ten minutes. But the referee couldn’t blow the full time whistle without Aidy Connelly proving why he his hair is always combed backwards, his blistering pace brushing his locks to similar style as Sonic the Hedgehog as he ran past 3 men old enough to have had their driving licenses revoked, we’re not sure if Aidy has his yet.

The score finished 60-5 in a well deserved win. Man of the Match was selected as Harry Williams, in replacing Mick Youdlen at half time led us to question, could Harry be the next James Bond? And DoD went to Sam Hardman who managed to oversleep and be late for a 2.15 kick off, mummy didn’t get him the alarm clock he desired for Christmas. Speaking of lateness, we can’t round out this week’s tale without discussing Robert Adair, who’s mysterious disappearance was answered as he was called up to play first team at the 11th hour, advice for next time Rob, please tell your mum if that’s the case, Gillian appeared on the touchline to proclaim ‘that number 12 is too slim to be my Robert’ before wandering to Harrogate A&E where she expects him to be of a Saturday afternoon.

And so the show rolls on, whoever we face in the coming weeks remember consistency is key, if the barmy army consistently score more points than the opposition, they’ll consistently win, probably.